2019 has been a year like I never would’ve imagined…
I ended the fall of 2018 in a mastermind that propelled me forward in my business. Then January and February I hit a lull. I decided to take space from my business and just work more hours at the hospital.
In the middle of February I “randomly” received the name download of Habekkah Foxx, and on March 1st I publicly announced it.
Then March – September was a time of deep, intense, integration. I continued to put my business on hold and work at the hospital, while simultaneously doing inner transformational work within myself. I questioned everything. Going through a name change isn’t easy. I started to question, “who am I really?”, “should I legally change my name?”, “should I keep my given name?”, “I want to change it, but what will people think, especially my family?”.
I didn’t ask for a name change, nor ever imagine changing my given name. But what I do know, is that I never felt fully resonate with it, and I trust divine downloads and lessons, as they come.
So the time of March through September, I continued to navigate confusion, among many other emotions. I felt frustration, anxiety, and sadness. I questioned who I was, who I “should” be, and who I wanted to be. I questioned my beliefs and interests, I questioned my future, and every decision I was making. I went through a deep grieving process — of my old self, who I knew myself as, and what I’ve endured throughout my past.
I navigated most of this independently, with the support of a few close friends.
I kept battling with myself, whether to legally go through with the name change or not.
Part of me felt the name change would be a “fresh start”, a “new me”, but part of me didn’t want to disappoint or be cut off from my family. Though I am the “black sheep” of the family, I still wanted their love and support. I continued this battle within myself…
To aid in the feeling of navigating so much independently, I told myself that I would journal more frequently. It’s been a habit of mine that has seemed to come and go in seasons, or years, but in July I committed to daily journaling. I set the goal of 3 consecutive days, then 7. I missed a day, and started over, and then started over again. Finally July 17th, was the true commitment of daily journaling. I decided it would be a part of my daily ritual, and I haven’t missed a day since. Today, December 21st, was day 158, and I plan to continue this, as it’s made a tremendous impact on my life.
In moments I feel alone, journaling helps me process, it shows me that I can navigate through some intense things myself, simply by getting it out on paper. It’s helped me with some deep integration, to process what’s happening in my life, and to get clear on my vision and goals for the future.
Continuing on with 2019, in August I met someone. He openly shared he didn’t want a “committed relationship”, and I didn’t really have any expectations, so we started seeing each other on a regular basis, dating, but not. He didn’t want a title of being in a relationship, and I was fine with that. I desired intimacy, compassion, and kindness. To have someone that ignited something within me, so that continued on…
In September I discovered Kundalini Yoga, or I should say it discovered me. I didn’t seek it out, but suddenly it seemed to come up everywhere. I was seeing it on Instagram, a new class offered at the local yoga studio, in a book I’d read, in a dream, etc. I’d been struggling with a creative “block” for close to 2 years, but since the name download/change came through, it was stronger than ever. I had the intuitive feeling that kundalini would be exactly what I needed to clear and navigate through this block, to get back my life force energy and my creativity, to feel full of life again, rather than like I was just existing and integrating.
So as Kundalini Yoga came up more and more into my field, I decided to listen to the signs and try a Kundalini Yoga class. After the first class I tried, I remember walking out thinking, “ooookay, that was definitely NOT yoga”. It was more meditation and chanting, than physical poses. A part of me wanted to resist it, to never go back again, but I have gone to that Wednesday class every Wednesday since, simply because I decided to trust listening to my intuition…
Even though I wanted to resist that class, and wondered if I’d ever go back again, after that very first class I googled, “Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training Colorado”. I found two. I reached out to one and they had started 2 weeks prior and said it was too late, and that I could wait until the next potential one in September 2020. I knew that was too far away, I intuitively felt it was time to be immersed in this sooner rather than later. I desired a shift. I reached out to the other one, which was well over an hour away from my house, but they said there was still space and would be starting in a couple of weeks. Long story short, I ended up enrolling in that teacher training.
That began at the end of October, and it will continue through the beginning of June 2020. Though my logical mind still doesn’t understand it, I know this is my path, and after each class I feel renewed. I trust it’s working. & Since Kundalini Yoga, my negative thoughts have less power over me, and are less present overall. I also feel much more spiritually connected, and a stronger sense of clarity in my identity and my purpose. I look forward to continuing my journey with kundalini, and can’t wait to see what it has in store for me.
In November I went through an immersive certification all about the subconscious mind – NLP, EFT, Hypnosis, and Time Techniques. It was quite a lot of information at once. I felt as though I shut down when I attended the live event, but once I got home, I felt all of the shifts integrating. I rediscovered my passion in business, and felt a new found confidence in my identity.
Between the tremendous energy and shifts of both kundalini and NLP, I decided to go through with the name change, legally. I received another divine download to add in the middle name of Brookelynn, the missing piece, – in part to honor what was given by my parents, as well as having less resistance to those who may continue to call me Brooke.
November 22nd marks the official date of court where my name was legally signed by the judge to Habekkah Brookelynn Foxx, and the process has been profound.
I finally feel like I’m myself… I’ve found who I am, and I’m continuing to grow in deeper and deeper appreciation for this journey. Though no one but myself may understand this process, I now know what it’s like to completely question my identity, of everything I’ve ever known, to navigate through it, and come out on the other side.
& This makes me more equipped to guide others through this as well. Perhaps it may not be an actual name change, but a shift in identity of some sort, letting go of parts of themselves and becoming who they’re meant to be, who they truly are…
This month, December, I’ve realized I have deep feelings towards the man I’ve been seeing since August. In fact, I’m in love. I was in denial about it for quite some time time. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, to him, nor anyone else, in fear that he’d run away. I knew he didn’t want a relationship, and I tried to bury my feelings, to deny them, to not have them at all. I’ve even avoided answering some of his questions, or gave him minimal responses, to try to avoid an intimate psychological connection that would lead me to gain feelings, but I suppose it was inevitable.
I’ve googled, “signs you’re in love with someone”, “define love”, among other related topics, because I haven’t felt these intense feelings towards anyone since I got out of my long-term relationship in early 2018, nearly 2 years ago. I was somewhat unsure what the feeling was, though I intuitively knew, I questioned and doubted it was love. I felt I should convince myself wrong, it couldn’t be. But it is love, and I recognize I’m not the type of person who can avoid feelings, so instead of fearing them, I’m leaning further into them.
He may not have any intent of returning the love to me, nor having romantic feelings, and that’s okay. Or maybe he will, either way I’m allowing myself to feel these feelings and experience what we have, while we have it. I’m allowing myself to be immersed in this “relationship”, and to just allow myself to fully feel everything, being so grateful for each moment.
I never would’ve imagined myself in this situation, (essentially an ongoing open relationship), but this process has allowed me to connect deeper to my emotions, to question them, and to decide it’s safe and okay to feel and express my emotions, even when the other person may not feel the same. I am allowing myself to enjoy the experience as it is, and will continue to allow the passion I feel to fuel my creativity and my life.
I deserve to express my emotions. I lived so much of my life depressed, not expressing my emotions, but instead suffocating and burying them deep within, and I don’t have space to do that anymore. I am here to live my life as freely and expressed as I can. I’ve committed to sharing my feelings, my beliefs, my message, and my experiences, regardless of any fear or anxiety that may come up. Through this journey I’ve realized I’m on this earth to live, not merely exist, and one very necessary part of this, is to express myself.
So here’s to 2020 – a year of my deepest expansion and expression yet, a time where I see an active implementation of my true identity and getting back into my business. A time where I’ll be going even deeper into all things related to the feminine essence, expression, and mindset – for myself, as well as helping others expedite their processes through this, as I know what it’s like myself.
I know everything I’ve gone through this year, and throughout my past, was to aid me in who I was meant to become, as well as give me the experiences and equip me with the tools necessary to step into my purpose to help others. It didn’t make sense to me then, but I’m getting more and more clarity as time goes on.
Everything is working out for me. Within any struggle, there will always be a lesson. The best is yet to come. & Life keeps getting better and better…