Where have I been?

 In Journal

where have i been?

simply being and integrating; solely alone. 

the past year has been the most transformative time of my life, so far. 

for awhile i was keeping up with all the transformation – ridding myself of my severe depression and anxiety, becoming empowered and liberated, stepping into a completely new identity. 

but 3-6 months ago, things came to a near standstill.

i was going through an “ego death”. letting parts of my old self die, but i couldn’t wholly move forward. i wasn’t allowing myself to.

i got caught up in clinging onto parts of my old self, while also starting to step into the new aspects of me.
trying to navigate between the two, i’ve been in the depths of stagnancy and confusion. trying to figure out, “who am i really?”

do any of us really know? 

i think we are all on the path of discovering this throughout our lifetimes.

yet this “awakening” hasn’t felt normal, and i know it’s not.

because i’m realizing that i wasn’t put on this earth to live a “normal” life.

i realize most of you may not understand where i’m coming from, and that’s okay, as most of those who had previously supported me, have faded away.
so this navigation of identity has been quite intense, tending to this myself.

but i know it was meant to be — 

for me to have these past many months to myself; to focus on me, independently.
to go deeply inward, and tend to everything within me.

& to the couple of you who have been listening to me navigate all of this, holding space, and still supporting me and loving me, i thank you, from the depths of my heart and soul.

i’m finally feeling i’m coming through to the other side… 


i wanted to shed light on this shadow, as the integration process has been so, sooo deep. 

about 6.5 months ago i posted about the divine channeling/download i had regarding my name — identifying and becoming bekkah, rather than brooke.

innately i felt even though the download came a relatively short amount of time before i shared it publicly, i thought i was ready for the world to know; for me to step into and embody this new identity. 

what i didn’t know was that this integration process was going to be one of the most intense times of transformation that i’ve had in awhile.

i’ve felt as though i’ve been shifting through an “identity crisis” of sorts. 

it’s been a period of blissful moments, mixed in with mostly darkness, stagnancy, numbness, frustration, processing, and simply being.

many people haven’t been understanding about this process, nor willing. 

some have asked how i could disrespect my parents or god by changing my name.

some said i’m crazy.

but most common of all, it’s seemed most people are uncomfortable with it, so they’ve distanced themselves and haven’t said anything at all.

i have over 1,000 friends on facebook, the most i’ve had since creating this account back in 2007 or so, yet this is the year fewest people told me happy birthday a couple of months ago. 

i’m not usually someone who needs a lot of attention, nor acknowledgement, but i have some belief that this coincides with the name change; people aren’t willing to acknowledge this “woo”, so instead they avoid it, and say nothing at all. 

i know the name change is probably confusing for most of you. 

and for those of you who don’t get it, it’s okay, i don’t expect you to.

however, if you care about me and truly love me, with unconditional love, (that’s to be loved… without conditions).

even when, and especially when, you don’t understand or agree with me. 

to some, i will always be and remain as brooke, and it’s okay, she is still part of me. 

i’m willing to accept being called brooke, by those who don’t understand the name change, and have always known me as brooke, but i will not align with my “old self” as brooke. 

simultaneously, i can also accept being called bekkah, (and would prefer it), by those who are willing to support me, and those who have now only known me as bekkah. and to her, i will align and embody my “new self” with. & i have such profound gratitude for those of you who have been open to shifting this. 

i’ve had this internal battle with myself over and over the past months – “am I brooke, or am I bekkah?” 

while it would be so much easier to simply identify as one, part of me innately knows not everyone will “get” this. maybe not now, or maybe not ever… so, i’m coming to terms with identifying as both.  

to make the integration process easier, the download has come through to incorporate both names. 

so the shift in my divine channeled name is ~ habekkah brookelynn foxx.

this is what’s come through where i can most fully accept being both bekkah and brooke, and feel more wholly integrated, rather than conflicted with myself, as i have been. 

most people don’t go through such an intense identity shift. 

and even though i don’t understand the why behind it myself, i don’t have to. 

i didn’t ask for this, but i trust that the divine guidance i received, is what was meant to be. 

in my experience, no matter how difficult things have been, every single thing i’ve gone through has eventually shown it’s reason. it eventually integrates and makes sense, even years later. 

i believe in the cliche saying “everything happens for a reason”.

i trust that going through this intense identity process will allow me to be more equipped to help future clients transform through their own identity shifts, and i’ll be able to understand and guide them through an even deeper transformation through embodiment and expression of aligning and embodying with their true selves again too. 

for now, habekkah brookelynn foxx is who i am, and who i will continue to become more of… moment by moment.

moving forward, this is more of who i will be embodying.

if you’re in the space of closed-mindedness or judgement, i kindly ask you to no longer follow me. but if you’re a little receptive about this, even if you don’t quite understand it, but will continue to support and love me anyways, then please stay. 


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